As we go through life, we face many changes.  Some are happy like the birth of a child or achieving a goal.  Then there are changes which we do not automatically embrace such as illness and limitations.

I should not wonder that my body does not react like I want it to react sometimes.  When I look back, I realize that I have put this human form through some tough challenges.  These challenges began early in life, say around my 8th-grade year.  That is when I decided to try out for cheerleading.  Not only does this require a lot of practice and nerves of steel to succeed, but you are getting ready to require your body to perform at its peak while sleep-deprived.  I can remember my girlfriend’s mother coming in to wake us for school after we cheered for our first away game.  I sat up on the edge of the bed and thought that I could not possibly move.  I sat there giving myself a pep talk because how could I not get ready for school when my friend’s father was the principal.  He knew where I was and what I was doing, so the old excuses would not work this time.

That first morning was followed by mornings like that for the next 5 years.  Some of my aches and pains may be from falls and overextensions that my body endured over those 5 years, but I have always felt that the rewards outweighed the downside.  At least, studying for final exams in college did not set me back on my heels like some of my friends who had not experienced the loss of sleep brought about by away games and long practices which pushed the bedtime back to get the homework done.

The feeling that I had gained so much for my participation in extracurricular activities during high school and college led me to sponsor clubs and coach teams.  I found my adult life to be a repeat of my adolescence except for the fact that now I was the one who had to make sure that everyone was up and ready for school.  I quit coaching the last 12 years that I taught but remained active with after-school activities with the students.  Then came the realization that I no longer had the stamina to pursue my profession and retired from teaching.  I did not have a weedless flower garden or a spotless home, so I decided that I needed a reason to get up each morning and took on a job at a large department store.  Since I am a result-driven person, I soon became a department manager.

One winter after I had had numerous sinus infections, flue like events, and other medical issues my doctor looked me in the eye and said, “Caroline, you are going to have to stay away from sick people.”  I was too warn down to argue with him and turned in my resignation.  I then found myself with what should have been time to spare and for a while enjoyed my new freedom and traveled and enjoyed my new life.  I realize that with the passage of time I have become less able to do many things, but I still tried and faced double day bouts of fatigue where I slept for the better part of 2 days.  These fatigue-fraught episodes began prior to my retirement from teaching.  I remember feeling like I was lying when I called in sick, but I just did not have the energy to get dressed let alone go to work.

I have recently tried to make changes in my routine so that I allow myself enough time to recover from activities or loss of sleep.  I hope that I am on my way to accepting this new person and that I will not berate myself as lazy, no good, and all those other pejoratives that I have from time to time used.  I want to express my gratitude to Noah Greenspan for his help in enabling me to see the reality of my situation.